I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
