I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
