My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
