i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize