Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
