I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
