Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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