no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
