On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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