I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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