Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
