I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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