I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
