one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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