I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize