Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
