I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
