my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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