Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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