I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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