Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
time to smoke my breakfast
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
