All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Randomize
