how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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