You can't motorboat a personality
this beer tastes like vomit already
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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