I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
