Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
