Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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