Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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