she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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