i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
