He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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