she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the condom got lost in my hair
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize