The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
