I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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