Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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