I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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