Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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