I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
