I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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