Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
