So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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