I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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