To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
