dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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