and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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