Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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