Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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