Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
