just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They should really pass out barf bags in church
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My bed smells like the plague
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
