Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
