Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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