You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
