I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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