my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
