I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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