evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
